Take a break for song and dance.

The boy in the front in the red shirt leading the song, holds a very dear place in my heart. His name is Desire. I spent a total of two short days with him and the entire time, he did not leave my side. I absolutely adore this little boy and my heart longs to see him again. He was so filled with joy and kindness and love; really they all were. My heart is left with these boys, for sure.

 

Light the Streets - One Year Later

If you are still unsure of why I love Africa, or why I love Rwanda, or why I love Africa New Life Ministries;

watch this video.

Unfortunately, I can only post the link because the video is on Vimeo and not Youtube which is the site Blogger supports. :/ A worthy detour if you ask me.




Overflow of Hope.

You know God has given you a passion for a place when you are reduced to tears after reading a friends Facebook status saying that they are flying to said place tomorrow.

I am trying to learn to be content with the fact that it may be a very long time before I am able to return to Rwanda - I am failing.

Especially now that the stress of the semester is hitting closer to home. I would give anything to drop everything and up and move to Africa tomorrow. (I would really really really miss the kids I nanny, but, um, yeah; it's Africa.)

Ugh.

Clinging to hope.

One of the terrible effects of depression is the inability to move purposefully and hopefully into the future. Strategies of righteousness are the overflow of hope. - John Piper

Stuck.

My heart is heavy this week and not for the usual reasons. 

In spite of all the dragging of my feet, and excuse making, I finally finished my Thank You letter for the support you all gave me last summer. I should be celebrating, I mean come on - it only took me a whopping five months to write. And yet, I find myself sad. The letter means that the trip is officially over. It is just something really cool that I did once. 

I don't know if it is the letter, or all of the mission talk at conference, or the fact that so many of my friends are going places this summer...or what, but my head is enveloped in thoughts of all the places the Lord could take me. I go from butterflies at the mere thought of new potential opportunities, to this heaviness when I am reminded of this underlying doom that the Lord is calling me to stay right here in little old Boise this summer. It is the absolute last thing that I want to do, but it's like I just know that is where he wants me. 

I know a couple of people who are applying for the Costa Rica Summer Project  this summer. As I was browsing the site (of course checking out all of the opportunities in Africa) I saw a link to a guide to help you clarify God’s call on your life. I was like "No way?!? That could really help me figure all of this out!" (yepp, sounded just like that). So, I downloaded it and journaled my answers for all of the little questions and such.

As I was exploring some of the questions I began to think about why I have such a passion for international field work. It is not because I'm overly zealous about fulfilling The Great Commission; it is not because I'm just that compassionate; it is not because I love foreign food (although honestly who doesn't love fresh, tropical mangoes?). 

I believe I am passionate about missions because, when I am not here, I am a better version of me. It is the only place I have ever been able to 100% surrender to God and it is the only time in my life that I have ever felt like I was doing exactly what he wanted me to do in the exact place that he wanted me to be. There were no distractions, no temptations, no lust, no greed; just pure, raw, unadulterated service. Sounds great right? It was. 

Well, now...I feel like God wants me to learn how to be that person here, at home in the midst of distractions and lust and greed and all of those other not so pretty things that we like to pretend we don't struggle with. 

How do I know if I am just acting out of fear? Fear that He won't provide the support; fear that five weeks away from Boise would severely affect my job; fear that I won't be adequate for a mission; fear that I will fall farther into debt; fear that....... on and on and on. How do I know what to do? 

I am 100% confident that the Lord called me to the mission field when I was 16 years old. I am also 100% confident that it took him six years to fulfill that calling. I am confident that the Lord does not operate on our terms or our timetable. So, what do I do with that knowledge? How do I be obedient? How do I serve if I am stuck given the opportunity to stay here? 

Why?

Today I find myself asking God why I was born in a relatively safe place surrounded by wealth. Why so many others were born in a place of suffering and sorrow. Why do I have access to clean water, and ample nutrition, and sturdy shelter, and world-renowned medical services.

Why am I sitting here in the comfort of my American home while my dear friend’s wife is fighting for her life this very minute in a mud home in rural Africa with no access to a doctor. Why does my friend have to fear for the life of his wife before he can even grieve for the loss of his newborn son. What will happen to their 4-year-old son if the Lord takes his mother?

My mind is racing with questions and frustrations and my heart hurts.

Everyone should have access to basic medical care. Women should not die in childbirth. Babies should not die. It is wrong. It is not ok. And yet, millions of babies die within the first three weeks of their life. 

Why? Why was I born in a country where women have access to hospitals in the event of a complication in childbirth? Why wasn’t she?

Why are we living in the 21st century with the majority of the world’s population living without basic services for survival?

Why don’t the right kind of people care?

Green With Envy.

Three weeks ago I wanted so badly to join a team headed to Rwanda in December.
Last week, I gave up. I hadn’t even sent out letters or really done anything to make it happen, and yet, I decided it wasn’t possible.
My heart aches to be back in Rwanda.
It is a hard feeling to explain. Sitting in that red dirt holding and loving those adorably dirty boys – I felt whole. I felt complete. I felt significant.
My life had purpose in Rwanda. I was finally good at something.
I felt like I was right where I was supposed to be for possibly the first time in my entire life.
There was nothing holding me back. No insecurities, no doubts, nobody to impress. Just these sweet, beautiful children that wanted to be as close to me as was physically possible.

I am currently reading a book called Kisses from Katie. It is about a 22-year-old girl from Tennessee who went on a mission trip to Uganda during her Senior year of high school and fell in love. Not with a boy – but with a country; a culture; a village; an orphanage. Less than a year after that she committed to spending a year teaching at the orphanage before she would return to Tennessee and go to college. That year turned into much more. She now lives in Uganda, is the founder of a non-profit organization called Amazima, and is in the process of adopting 13 orphan girls who are currently in her full-time care. Did I mention I’m reading her book? Yepp she’s published. Let me just remind you, she is twenty-two-years-old. I am also 22.

I asked my roommate last night if it is sinful to envy someone’s life if it is a God honoring life. She didn’t really know how to respond.

Katie Davis is the epitome of the woman I want to be.  I look at her life, and I look at my life, and I can’t help but ask where did I go so terribly wrong? What could I have done differently so that I could also be in a place of reckless surrender?

It is hard for me not to fall into an attitude of minimizing her accomplishments. She comes from a fairly wealthy family and has had a life and many opportunities that I couldn’t even dream of. It is hard for me not to say that it was my lack of resources, my lack of a home, my lack of parents, my lack of a childhood – that have held me back. It is hard for me to take ownership of my life as it is today. To admit that my decisions are my own now and regardless of what happened way back when – I am in the here and now and there is nothing stopping me from moving to Africa except for my own inhibition, misgivings and lack of trust.

On the first page of the first chapter of her book, Katie writes:

As I look back, I can see that God spent my whole life preparing me for the life He had planned for me–the people He placed in just the right places at just the right times, and circumstances I could never fathom would eventually be for His glory.

I know in my heart that if it is the Lord’s will for me to be in Africa, He will provide the means. I am praying that He will work in my heart to give me the wisdom and faith to be obedient no matter what His will turns out to be. My prayer is that He will help me to overcome my past and embrace it for what it is.

Presidential Action: Have you responded?